You Are Not Hard Enough

Did you consider that I might be the hard one? That my muscles slid under my skin with the strength to save you? Did you see the fire burning in my eyes? The blood already on my hands? Did you assume that you were the one when I was already standing in the middle of that Hell cutting a deadly path towards you?

I am the rider. Hell follows me, not you. I descend on enemies like a plague. Vile in my own right. I lead armies over black hills like swarms of filthy insects. I lift the skin off of heroes. I slit the throats of lovers and sink into the bloody ground grateful for the mud and mortality.

I am the hard one. You are soft. Your soul lingers to closely to your heart. You cry at the pain. You cringe at the blood. All the while I devour those hearts with fanged teeth and all light dies within me. I am the black whole. The destroyer of worlds. The dead of night. The cold finger on your cheek. The reason you are hiding right now.

I may have obscured all that from you. Attempted a semblance of humanity. But all the while I was just burying my true nature in soft femininity. I lied. I am the killer you feared. The nightmare that nipped at your heals. I tried to be nice. I tried to be soft. But I hated every minute and my thoughts always lingered on a vision of all those sweetest Hells creeping up onto the Earth and my hands itched.

Do not doubt what lies behind these eyes. Do not doubt that I would gouge yours out in single sigh. I am the Heart Eater. The Destructor's Kiss. Kali in a Pretty Dress. The Hater and The Hated. They never saw me coming and the world shuddered as it held its breath.

I am hard. And I never lose.

The Fighter's Reach

A spider-like hop. A lunging forward with a speed and violence I know you store up in your muscles with each movement. Breath coming quick. Fist flying forward reaching for a target. I see each muscle slide on your torso, down your arms, flexing in your powerful legs. The tension coiled like a spring, flung forward at an invisible enemy. Snap! and you are back in a flash.

I let my breath out slowly. My cells grow flushed and swell.

You don't realize it but your muscles flex in the same way, with the same speed and violence, when you are above me. Sliding in and out at a rapid shuddering pace. I have to catch my breath then as well. Awed at the beauty of your hardness and my softness meeting in a sweaty dance on the sheets. I am not blind to the juxtaposition.

In that moment, sex and violence shimmer as one beautiful star burning in a dead universe. We are that center of everything and close our eyes against the dying of the light.

Little Pill

My mind no longer feels like it has a weight pressing down on it. A slowness thickening it. A constant heaviness like being pulled under water. Caught in quick sand. Mired in the swamps of my own feeling. Slogging just to make it out of bed every day. Giving up after only making it a few feet. Inertia. Unmoving. Stopped.

I feel lighter in thought and spirit. I am not different but simply a slowly unfettering version of myself. I no longer feel like I am drowning in clear air. My lungs aren't filled with sand and my limbs actually move as through clouds instead of mud. I am not pulling heavy chains everywhere I go. I have movement and momentum once more. I go forward.

Things are not easy but they are better.
I think this is a good thing.

An Incantation at Midnight

As below so above.

I want to love but only if that love is returned. My heart is made of red glass and shatters so very easy. I ask you to protect it. Let me move unfettered and with strength. I'm still that little girl. So sure that I am unlovable and thus unworthy of love. We're hiding under the blankets our grandmother made... waiting... just like we have through all time.

As above so below.

Blood of my blood. Let this be woven with this strand of hair. Yellow for attraction, beauty. Vanilla for peace. Amber for sex. Roses for love. This needle to pin it all in place. Come of your own free will but don't forget me. So mote it be.

You need a red candle. You burn too bright with erotic passions and darkness nestled below your eyes. Pink is too soft for you. You are hardness. Violence. Self-inflicted pain. The hands I reach for and the brow I smooth. Scathach, protect me.

Tonight I bleed; big thick garnet drops down my thigh. I bleed for you. I bleed for me. Dip the blade in whiskey. Whisper to the delicate moans. Tongue to tooth to lips. I drift back to the mainline of the universe. The blood cross over my heart. Make me your target. Let me take all from you and give all back. I spin. I feel. I am still here.  Blood in my eyes, all caught in my lashes. Drink me down. O, Apache drink me down.

Brigid, protect us, your humble lovers and poets. We ride wild horses for you and bless white bulls. We are in the trees. We are in the ocean. I am glass, I reflect only you. Goddess, I reflect you in heart and blood and flesh and rage and love and power and calm.

Come on home and find these arms open to you.
So mote it be.