You Held Me Under

Strange now, that you would come here to find me. I was being so very quiet, trying not to move lest I create a noise that would turn those eyes on me. Those glittering eyes; I have never been sure if it's love or malice that stares back at me.

And I remember. I did not forget. I remember your hands on my skin, sliding up and down my side. In that moment I felt like gold. Golden like the dawn all these people are moving towards. Seeking out light in a dark world not unlike little rats scurrying towards oblivion. A reverence for all those dirty little things and all those dirty little words. You felt like a sexual superhero. Funny, I felt like a murderer. I felt the walls bleeding. I felt guilty. I felt demonic. I felt a familiar darkening inching into my skin as the moon was blown out like a birthday candle on this sweetly delicate cake of sky and frosting clouds.

I looked in the mirror and saw my hair flare out to a crown of fire. I ripped open the window and howled at that starless sky with all that fire surrounding me. She whispered to me, "I knew it. I knew it all along. You are a vampire. Some sort of evil walking the earth. What are you taking from us?" Am I so vampiric? You seem to think I am. At least I think you do. Maybe I am confused. And then it screams inside of me and I break into a million pieces wandering through this world with an emptiness that can only be reflected in a vampiric want feeding on torn hearts and forced words. My bloodied feet pound the ground as I race down the back alleys searching for you; searching for anybody. When did the world get so empty? If you could only see the beast I have become.

Back in this room I lay myself down on that big bed slowly wrapping my body in soft silken sheets as I cradle my mind in the memories of strange lovers who made me happy with their tenderly spoken lies. Until they made me unhappy with their unwanted truths. Every wound collapses in on itself creating an individual universe of gasping winking stars. I am a black hole; drawing everything near me, into me and tearing it to pieces. You see, each of you moved so easily onto those better things; those better things than me. It is not so easy for me; I am trapped in this cell, screaming at the walls, waiting for the night to fall so I can sneak out and feign normalcy among these crowds of happy giggling sycophantic lovers staring glassy-eyed at each others mouths, hungry for freedom. I hate them.

I hate the day. I hate strangers touching me. I hate this pain. I hate talking. I hate these interlopers. I hate these empty rooms. I hate your secrets. But I love you and I guess that counts for something... I just don't know what it is.