Fucked

I'm standing in the shower drinking a bourbon and coke letting the hot water slide over my sore muscles. Last night I smoked opium in the nude above the alleyway and wrote poetry late into the night. One of my favorite futile pursuits. Tonight I'm making love to Jim Beam thinking about long hair wrapped around my hand. My back straining against the mattress. The walls shaking and my thighs shuttering. I'm thinking about digging my fingers into the soft flesh about the throat. Sinking my teeth into that soft spot between the shoulder and neck. Tender and inviting. I'm thinking about sighs in my ears. I'm thinking did I get everything I came for?

"Jim," I say, "Who do you love?"

Silence and the pitter patter of water against the tile are my only answer. Ice clinks in the glass as I raise it to my lips. I drain the last sweet drops down my throat tonguing the rim of the glass like a lover's mouth, ice clicking against my teeth. The amber fluid warms my throat, sinks into my stomach and spreads to my limbs. I feel leaden like sinking under water. My minds swims for the surface, breaks and slips back down under the softness of the liquor. We've been down here a lot lately. It's starting to feel like home.

"They're thinking about me right now, you know Jim." I sigh, "They're thinking about my big tits.  They're thinking about fucking me. I can feel them. I can feel them like tendrils in my mind. I can feel them thinking, and sighing, and muttering, and deciding. I can feel the ghosts of their hands on me. I can feel all of them. Each and every one. Every. Last. Fucking. One."

I raise my hand to throw the now empty glass against the shower tiles. It shatters into a thousand sparkling shards slipping past my naked feet down the drain. My blood starts to flow red against the glass and water. A thousand little sparkling bloody cuts. The blood and glass swirl mesmerizing me as my mind slips down the drain after all that hot water. My mind is going to sea in a river of sewage. We are bleeding for nothing.

"Fuck," I mutter to the steam rising off my skin, "now I have to get another drink."